You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
