And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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