I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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