I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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