Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
