he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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