I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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