I wish I could punch you in the face.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to summon your inner elephant
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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