i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
