i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
