Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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