I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
