My nipple is on Facebook.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
