I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
