Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize