Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
