I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
