If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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