also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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