I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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