Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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