My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
