you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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