I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
