I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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