how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
