im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
