it was like fucking gandolphs beard
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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