I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
