Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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