I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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