Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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