Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
