I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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