Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
