I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
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A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
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A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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