highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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