ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
