I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
