I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
