Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
