He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
