My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
of course. lets lasso hookers.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
And then the night went full on bisexual.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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