i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
