Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
