I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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