And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize