do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Two words: nipple clamps
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