Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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