bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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