how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
