I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
