Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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