i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
