i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
