I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
