dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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