i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
