i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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