just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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