I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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